A short recap

The Issue

I have been debating for some time now, whether to make my journaling public or leave it private like it has been this past year. While I will not be making my private journal public, I have decided to try writing another journal for my friends, family, and whoever else, to read and comment on. I hope to cover some of the issues I'm facing as I continue on my journey of self discovery and growth. I encourage anyone and everyone to comment back to me their feelings on the issues that I bring up and offer any insights or ideas. I don't think that I will be receiving a ton of feed back, but the option is there none the less.

The Recap

I think the best way to start off is with a quote from Morpheus in the movie The Matrix:

Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but its there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. (Emphasis added by me)

Before I started my new job here at Miller & Martin, I was so caught up in my work that I put myself, and to some extent, everyone else on the back burner. It was sort of an "I'll get to it when I get the time" sort of thing. This, of course, never happened because I never had the time. I was always to caught up in my job to really worry about anyone else (including myself). After I started my new job, I felt like I had more time. I was no less busy than I was before, but the environment and the demands are different here. I have more freedom and creativity here, and it is VERY rewarding. I look forward to coming to work to build things and then show them off (It's like legos, I swear!). I am more at peace and WAY less stressed than I was before.

But I wasn't happy...

Three months into my first job. I wasn't happy. But it wasn't because of my job. On the contrary, it was only because of my new job that I could actually sit down and realize I wasn't happy. I was missing something. There was something I just didn't get or wasn't getting.

December 31, 2006 at 11:50 pm. I was standing alone on top of Lookout Mountain in Chattanooga, TN, over looking the entire city. The city was lit up in its normal fashion. Other than the occasional small firework going off in the distance, it was peaceful. The cold mountain air swirled around me. I shuddered. But not because of the cold winter air that threatened to turn my limbs numb. I shuddered because I realized I had no idea who I was.

11:57. I am in tears. I am alone. Things don't make sense. I have everything I could ever want. I have a great job; I have a wonderful family, whom I love dearly. I have a great group of friends. My walk with God was improving daily. What is wrong with me? Why am I not happy? What is this empty feeling inside of me?

January 1, 2007 12:01. Fire works are going off everywhere around me. I am over top of them looking down on them. The tears are gone now. The emptiness is still there. I pray that God would show me what I need to do. I restate my pact I made with Him many years ago. Where ever He leads me, I will go and do His will. Peace doesn't come to me that night...

A few days later I am in the book store with a friend of mine looking through various books of computers and fantasy novels. I happen to wander over to the self-help section of the book store when a book caught my eye. Now I can't tell you why this particular book caught my eye. I think maybe because it resembled a Bible. I don't think that was the authors intent, but it caught my interest none the less. I picked it up and read the cover "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" by Neil Strauss. I was intrigued. I flipped it open and read the first few pages. I initially thought that this was just a book on how to pick up women, but as I continued reading, it wasn't a "how to" book more than a story about the author and his adventure in a world I never knew existed. I sat down and read more. I got hooked. I spent more than a few nights reading into the early hours of the morning.

The author went by the alias of Styles. Styles started out feeling much like I was feeling, and he figured that attracting women would fill that emptiness. I had never really thought of that, as I have learned that you can't really be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. And as the book continued on towards its conclusion, Styles learned the same thing (and found true love in the process!). But then as I thought about all I had read, I realized what he had done was something I had not been doing. No, not going around picking up women. But he recognized that emptiness and then took steps towards fixing it. He made it very clear that you shouldn't "Just be yourself" around women (or anyone else!) but "Be your BEST self". And that self improvement is a continual process. Don't be happy with who you are, but who you are becoming. In the book, he makes several references to other authors who have written material about self improvement.

So I just dove in. I started picking up everything I could get my hands on. I read books on dating, communication, mental processes, therapy, psychology, anything and everything relating to self improvement and social interaction. The more I read, the more I became fascinated with all that I learned. It would take me days and days to write out everything thing that I have uncovered in my studies.

But I learned that the emptiness that I was feeling a direct result of me. There wasn't anyone else to blame, not even God. While God will fill you up with His love, I don't believe that He will fill a hole of your own design. God has given each of us the capacity to take care of ourselves. That doesn't mean we don't need Him. I think it just means that God expects us to use the tools He has given us to fix ourselves. Although it should go without saying, God should be included in every aspect of your life, including your self improvement.


Seven Months Later

Here I am. I have lost close to 30lbs. I am about as healthy and as fit as I have ever been in my life. I am more emotionally stable and happy than I have ever been in my life. I found that what I was missing was how to be a man. And I have just recently been taken under the wing of a mentor who has graciously offered to offer his advice and insight into my life. God has blessed me with more people in my life who are constantly teaching me lessons I need to learn. I am continually reading and learning more every day.

Do I still get upset, sad, frustrated, angry, etc.? Yes, but I no longer blame others for it. No one can make me feel that way. I make myself feel that way as a response to what they do. I have a choice, I always have a choice.

In Summary

I am heading down the path of self discovery and improvement. I have God with me to help point me towards the things that are helpful, and to guard me from those things that would only distract me from my goal.

I know that this wasn't "Short" but in comparison to all that has happened these past seven months, this is about as short as anyone can possibly make it. Please feel free to ask me questions or comment on anything. I will be more than happy to discuss what I've learned further with anyone who is interested.